Radiant
by stephluvvsyou
Summary: Yay f*cking me. - Zack's POV - ONESHOT


**AN : Hey everyone! So, when I woke up yesterday the idea for this fic popped into my head, and I stayed up most of the night writing it, because I just couldn't sleep until it was done. Has that ever happened to you guys before? You're kinda happy for the inspiration but at the same time it's like...you just need sleep so bad. LOL. Anyways, I know that I wrote the whole 'guy breaks London's heart' scenario in 'His Girl' as well, BUT this one is completely different. And this is the first fic I have ever written in first POV. So I hope that it makes sense and it's not too difficult to read. I went through and edited about four different times, so hopefully for the most part it's alright now. **

**Also! For those of you who are following 'What Happens On Deck' no worries. The 3rd part is coming out real soon it just needs a little more fine tuning. But it's coming! **

**Alright! So! From Zack's point of view I give you my 2nd Zack/London one-shot! Enjoy!**

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_Disclaimer : I do not own Suite Life On Deck or any of the characters associated._

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Radiant

The first time she comes to me, she's overflowing with excitement. The way she's walking, you'd think she was a child that'd had too much sugar intake. She spends most of her time portraying excitement. But every once in a while, something will actually happen that causes that feeling to be genuine. I can always tell when it's real because there's an extra bounce in her step.

I'm staring again, but I can't really help it. She looks absolutely radiant, and the way her smile is beaming towards me is captivating.

I know why she's happy. And so I can't find myself to smile back at her. All I can do is gaze. For the first time ever, I'm annoyed with her smile. And her happiness.

I inhale deeply and manage to pull my eyes away from her to resume wiping down the counter of the smoothie bar, but it doesn't take her long to reach me, and before I know it, she's plopping her tiny frame down onto a stool in front of me.

I continue wiping down the counter, trying not to make eye contact, because I know that if I do, I'll be lost in her. The way I always am.

Her eyes are on me. I can feel her gaze. She wants me to greet her first.

When I finally look up, I find her smile hasn't changed. So I can't help it. I smile back. "Hey London."

"Hi Zack!" she replies almost immediately as she gives me a frantic hand wave full of energy.

The conversation takes a pause there. She's waiting for me to ask her what's gotten her all riled up, but I don't want to. I already know. I hate it. I don't want to hear about it. But she's my best friend. I love her, so I point a finger at her and play dumb. "Looking good," I start, putting on the Zack charm that every girl loves so much, "What's got you in such bright spirits?"

"Oooh! I thought you'd never ask!"

She bounces in her seat a little, and I can't help but feel the smile on my face slowly fading. She leans over the counter slightly, as if she's about to share a secret with me. Here it comes.

"You know the new guy that was in class this morning? Johnny?" she asks, in a bit of a quiet tone, which is weird for London considering that she normally speaks loud enough for half the deck to hear her.

"Oh, uh. Yeah." I reply, and I can't fight the frown anymore, but I manage to sound like I'm interested in what she's said, "The one that Miss T sat beside Cody?"

"That's the one!" she declares in response.

I turn away from her at this moment to scowl. Yeah, I saw him. The guy walked in this morning, disrupted our class, and London's attention, which I normally have without fail, and I immediately knew he was going to piss me off. 5 minutes after he arrived, and London's eyes were _still_ glued to him, I wasn't just pissed off. I was livid. The guy had the word 'jerk' written all over his face. Well, metaphorically speaking that is. And maybe I'd jumped to conclusions. Maybe I'd reacted in a bit of a jealous way. But I know a jerk when I see one. I mean, I play the part myself at times, but I'd like to think that he wouldn't be stupid enough to attempt wooing the heiress on his very first day of class. When he kept flashing smiles at her, I had to try to find a way to ignore the 2 of them for the remainder of class by burying my face in a textbook. An _actual_ textbook. I read an entire page on cell reproduction just to try and distract myself. I know, right? Hell's frozen over.

"Are you alright Zack?"

Her voice tears me out of my thoughts and I realize that I've been standing with my back turned away from her for way too long. And I don't want to upset her by letting her know how I feel about this whole 'Johnny' situation, so in my haste to keep my cover, I slide over to the blender and start throwing random things into it. Strawberries, bananas, a bag of assorted peanuts, a packet of ketchup, and a half-eaten chocolate chip cookie that Cody brought me earlier. This should be interesting.

I turn to glance at her and put my smile back on, and when I see that she's clearly puzzled still, I decide to make my misery worse, "What about him?"

Her smile comes back now too, and it's like she gets giddy all over again. "He's cute! I'm thinking about asking him on a date!"

I glance at the blender, which is whirring everything together. You'd think the noise would drown out the sounds of people talking, but I heard every word she said. I lift my finger from the button causing the contents to stir and as it comes to a stop I lift the top off. "A date huh?" I ask in a mumble, not looking at her when I walk to get a glass. "Don't you think that's a little fast? I mean, he's only been on board for a day."

I don't want to mention the fact that it's normal protocol for the guy to ask out the girl, because for some reason unknown, despite my feelings on the issue, I don't want to destroy this moment for her.

"Pfft." London emits, causing me to glance up at her while I pour my concoction from the blender to the glass. "I don't want to wait and risk some other girl getting to him before I do." she waves a hand towards me, as if my previous statement had been ludicrous. "If he's going to date anyone on this ship, it should be the prettiest and most well dressed girl. Don't you think?"

I gaze at her blankly for a moment, before shoving a straw into my drink and taking a sip. It tastes horrible, but since this invention was part of not blowing my cover, I don't spew it out of my mouth like I want to. Instead I swallow it, and the aftertaste it leaves in my mouth makes me want to gag.

"Unless." London's smile escapes her again, and while she's looking down, seemingly in thought, I grab a handful of napkins and start wiping off my tongue with them.

When I finish my own rescue attempt and gaze back over to her, she's still glancing down in thought. This has happened before. She's genuinely lost in her head. See, anyone who knows London, knows that when she's 'lost in thought', she actually is. For everyone else, it's just a figure of speech, or particular facial expression. I sigh, and walk over to the counter. I've got to stop being a coward about this or my cover will be blown regardless. And I did not take a drink of that poison for nothing.

I snap my finger to wake her up, and she blinks several times before she looks up at me again. "Unless what?" I ask.

"Gasp!" she says, as she holds her hand over her chest, a look of near-horror in her eyes, "What if he doesn't like me? Or think I'm pretty?"

This has happened before too. And at this point it's hard for me to not let my annoyance with her seep out, because when London Tipton actually questions her own beauty, it means the bastard that's caught her attention has already gotten inside her head. It doesn't happen often, but it gets harder for me every time that it does.

I huff sarcastically a couple times, folding my arms over one another as I lean slightly onto the counter. "If he doesn't like you or think you're pretty, then he's a real moron."

I realize at this point, that this is the most honest I've been with her so far during this conversation. I can tell by her expression, which only slightly changed, that she needs a little more pep than that, so I lean up off the counter, and motion towards her with my hand, "I mean, you're London Tipton. He should feel lucky that you even glanced in his direction."

I watch her as she registers my words in her head and slowly, she regains her smile. "You're right!" she says, as she stands from her stool and readjusts the position of her purse on her arm, "Thanks Zack!" she turns to scamper away from me, the bounce and energy have both returned, but she stops after getting a couple steps away from me and turns to me again to add, "Wish me luck!"

I force myself to keep smiling as I give a slight wave in her direction, "Good luck London."

After she's disappeared from my sights, I grab the liquid smoothie death trap that I've made and toss it into the trashcan, glass and all, in a slightly violent manner. I can't believe this is happening. Yay fucking me.

**X**

The second time she comes to me, it's four days later, and she looks like she could be a model on a runway. Even Cody, who is at the counter because it's break time for him, can't help but stare at her. She's stunning.

"Hey guys!" she greets as she walks to stand beside Cody.

My brother's eyes are still watching her, and it's hard for me to not laugh at him, especially when he starts drinking his smoothie a little quicker than normal. Later he's going to be whining and complaining because all the chemicals in his head are going to be knocked off balance because of a simple brain freeze.

"How do I look?" London asks, as she does a twirl for the both of us.

I have to admit that the little black dress she's wearing has just caused a plethora of dirty thoughts to pop into my head and start running rampant. But unfortunately for me, I have to come to terms with the fact that she's not wearing this dress for me. She's wearing it for that ding-dong Johnny.

When I open my mouth to answer her question, I don't realize it's going to be this hard. "You look...I mean...I just...wow...London...amazing." I finish in barely formidable words. I take a moment to turn my head to the side and scowl at myself. Really? What the hell was that? I just turned into a bumbling fool in front of her, and I'm almost thankful for once that she's on the air-headed side, because she won't really notice how hard that had been for me.

When I turn back, Cody's still staring at her, and I roll my eyes as I walk over and rip the smoothie glass out of his hand.

Cody shoots me a bewildered glare, before looking back towards her again, "You look very nice London." he smiles and nods along with himself.

I'm still glaring at him as I sit the glass back down on the counter, and into his reach. My brother and I have both grown up around London, and while he's always known she was attractive, he didn't normally allow himself to be rendered speechless by her presence. This is the first time I've ever seen him ogle her, and I hope it's the last because it was pretty ridiculous and completely out of character for him.

"Thanks!" she exclaims, happy of our approval. "Johnny's coming to pick me up here for our first date! I'm really nervous. I had this dress shipped all the way from Italy!"

Just like that, I'm pissed again. The fact that she went so out of her way for this guy is unbelievable. The fact that she's basically giving him permission to make googly eyes at her all evening is just as bad.

"Oooh first date huh?" Cody piped in, as he swiveled his stool slightly, "I remember Bailey and I's first date. We were docking in Pe-"

"Well that's nice." London interrupted, and I watched my brother gaze at her blankly, while she, in return, gave him a completely bored expression. I don't blame her. We've heard about Cody and Bailey's first date a thousand times.

"What are you guys going to do?" I decide to ask, and she turns to me, while my brother huffs and grabs his smoothie glass again.

"No idea!" she replies, "But if it involves him telling me how pretty I am at least once every minute then I'm sure we'll have fun!" she's beaming with hope.

At this moment I can't help but smile. I'm thinking 'that a girl London', because after all she's already done for this dip wad's attention, her lowering her standards for him would be the final straw for me.

"Oh God..." I hear Cody mumble, and I turn to the side to glance at him. He's got his hands on his head and his eyes squeezed shut. I wondered when the moment was finally going to come. I watch him slowly lay his head down on the counter.

I feel myself smirk, and I'm just about to make fun of him when London gasps. She's at his side in only a single step and she's abruptly pounding on his back. "I think he's choking!" she keeps pounding. "Breathe Cody! Breathe!"

"No, London!" I shout, trying to calm the flailing girl down from her unnecessary hysterics. I reach my arms out towards her so she'll halt her ruthless beating on my brother's back, which he seems to be partly trying to ignore, considering his hands are still on his head and he hasn't stopped her himself. That and the fact that he's not crying. And even though London has wimpy hits, Cody is even wimpier. He cries when he gets a splinter. A _splinter_.

"London, London, London!" I reach out and grab one of her wrists out of sheer luck. The chances of me actually getting a hold of her seemed a lot slimmer considering she's across the counter. I pull her away from my brother and she gives me a puzzled look. "He's not choking." I explain, "He's got a brain freeze." My eyes gaze into hers, and I release her wrist as she gasps again. Her hand flies up over her mouth.

"Cody! You should go stick your head in the hot tub so you're brain can un-freeze!" she exclaims, "Since I'm going to be out on a date tonight I need you to do my biology report for me!"

I contemplate explaining 'brain freeze' to her but then decide to not bother with it. Which is what I normally do anyway. Sometimes it's just not worth it to try and explain things to her. Like the fact that I know this guy isn't going to be good for her. The past couple days during class, I've seen all I need to see. I'll peek out from behind my textbook on occasion just to see if they're staring at each other. When she looks at him, I see a giggly girl with a crush on the new guy. When he looks at her, I see a different breed of gaze entirely. The way his eyes scan over her body, and the type of smirk it causes him to display. I don't like it. Not one bit. It's predatorial. I know because I've used that look on several different girls. I didn't want to date them. I wanted to get them into bed with me. And I swear to God if he tries to-

"Hey London."

Ah hell. I feel my body tense and stiffen as my glance shifts from London to Johnny, who is just arriving at the counter. He takes London's hand and places a kiss on it. My skin starts to crawl. Just how smooth does he think he is?

"Wow you look incredible," he tells her, and she giggles shyly as she looks away from him.

I fold my arms over my chest and I want nothing more than to leap over the counter and pummel him for his ridiculous attempt at displaying real affection. I can see right through his act. But she doesn't. She's bought it hook, line, and sinker. I grab my towel from the back counter to wipe up the condensation from Cody's smoothie cup, but when I glance back over in London's direction, I see that she's smiling at me from over her shoulder as she's being led away by the smug son of a bitch. She gives a slight wave, and I don't fail at being a good friend, even at this point, because I muster up a fake smile for her in return and a wave of my own. Once they've disappeared, I slap the towel onto the counter and begin wiping up the water, with no concern to Cody and his stupid brain freeze. After I've unintentionally smacked him for the fourth time, he glares up at me, his eyes squinted slightly.

"What is your deal?" he dares to ask, but I ignore him.

**X**

Over the next several weeks, I grow angrier. I find myself on edge constantly, and even snapping at everyone who attempts talking to me. I've barely spoken to London at all because Johnny has her so wrapped up around his finger that she can rarely spare a moment for me here and there. I've resorted to staying in my room mostly all the time, because when I'm at work, I'm forced to watch the two of them prancing around on the deck together. Holding hands and exchanging secrets in each other's ears. She'll giggle and he'll kiss her on the cheek and tell her she's pretty. It's the worst when they come to the smoothie counter when I'm on duty, because they basically act like I'm not even there. They'll order without even so much as a glance in my direction, and then they'll share the same straw.

I hate him.

Cody suggested I talk to Mr. Blanket about my anger issues, but I refuse because no one has any clue that my anger is stemming from the fact that _my _girl is dating a sneaky, slimy, sad excuse for a male with intentions deeper than what he portrays. Of course, all the girls are crazy for this Johnny, so I can't even vent to Bailey about how much I can't stand him because she'll go into a trance at the mention of his name. I haven't told Cody that I hate him because well, if he found out that I don't approve of London dating Johnny, I'd have to explain to him why. That would consist of me confessing to him that _I_ in fact,like London. Then he'd lecture me on how jealousy can destroy your soul. And quite frankly, I just don't want to hear it.

My predicament is monstrous, and I just can't believe that this jackass jumps on board and steals London away from me like this. She didn't even put up a fight. And the fact that she hasn't even made time to speak with me is really bothersome. I thought we were a lot closer than that. I thought we were best friends. You know, til death, or whatever. I'd at least like to know if _Johnny_ is treating her well and maintaining his calling her pretty at least once a minute.

I'm fired up at this point and I can't help but think, once again, _yay fucking me_.

I didn't ask for these feelings. And I don't know where they came from. I've known London for so long. Why can't I just feel for her the way Cody does? He just has no idea how easy he has it. And now I'm mad at my luckier twin for his fortune, and he has no idea why.

_Wonderful._

**X**

The third time she comes to me, my shift is almost over at the smoothie counter for the night. The deck is pretty vacant considering it's a Friday, but business was good earlier. Actually made some decent tips, and I'm thinking of ordering a pay-per-view.

I know it's her. I always know when it's her. And I want to be mad at her for neglecting me for over a month, but I'm so starved for her attention at this point that I can't control my urge to look up at her.

As soon as my eyes land on her, I know something has happened tonight, and I feel pretty superhuman because it takes me less than a second to reach the counter directly across from her.

"What happened?" I ask, taking in her appearance. Her eyes are puffy, red. Fresh tears are running down her cheeks. Her makeup is a mess. Her hair is disheveled. Her outfit seems to be off kilter somehow. Of course, despite the fact, she still looks beautiful to me, because it seems like forever since the last time I've been able to gaze upon her face this way. I glance to her side, expecting to see Johnny there, but he isn't. I feel myself getting angry, but I take a deep breath because I don't want to start making threats and calling him names until I know for sure that the reason why she's so upset is his fault, even though I already know it is. She's still sobbing, so I reach out and grab her hand, hoping that she'll say something. Anything. With my other hand I brush a stray lock of hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear before leaning down a little further in case her voice isn't strong enough for me to hear it.

"Johnny..." she finally says, and the crying starts again.

Just as I thought. I glance around the deck to make sure we've got a semi-decent amount of privacy, because I know how much she hates it for people to see her vulnerable side. But we're good. There are only four other people on deck right now. Two are in the hot tub. The other two are Mr. Moseby, who is snapping at Cody at the towel station, and I figure he's probably went on another rant about how wasteful people are again and started refusing them service.

I turn my face back to London, whose managed to get her sobs back down to a minimal again, and wait for her to continue. I don't want to rush her. She can take all the time she wants. I'll still be here.

"He broke up with me!" she tells, and her head falls into her arms and she's just bawling into the counter top at this point.

Her hand leaves my grasp and I stand up straight, glancing around again. In all truth, I want to throw my arms up in the air and scream 'praise be to Jesus', because I'm so happy that there is no more '_Johndon'._ Or whatever ridiculous name Bailey was calling it. When I heard her say that for the first time I had to resist the urge to spit in her smoothie.

But I realize that now's not the time for that, and it'd actually be quite selfish of me considering how upset London is. She's clearly had her heart broken and even though I knew it would happen eventually, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to see her this way. Her vulnerable side is something I feel honored to see, because she trusts me enough to see it, but it still catches me off guard each and every time.

Her loud cries interrupt my thoughts, and I find myself walking around the side of the counter. I stand beside her, and grab her by the shoulders, spinning her around slightly until her face is in my chest instead of on the hard counter top. I almost say 'shh it's okay', but I've realized over the past several weeks, when I've had nothing better to do but stay in my cabin being a hermit and watching countless movies, that when a guy would comfort a girl by saying that, it was almost like they were comforting a crying baby. London isn't a baby, she's had her feelings crushed, and she needs to cry.

"I'm sorry." I say, and glad as I may be about the break up, I truly mean it. I let my chin rest on the top of her head gently as I rub her back and just hold her. I can't complain that she's not saying much, because I've been longing to hold her in my arms again for over a month now.

I wait for over 10 minutes before she finally calms down again, and she picks her head up from my chest. She's just done an awful lot of crying for someone she only dated for 6 weeks.

I watch her as she rubs the tears off of her face and catches her breath. "No…I'm sorry," she murmurs to me, and I'm taken aback by her apology.

I place my hand on my chest, "Why are you apologizing to me?" I walk back around the counter again and grab a towel for her to wipe her eyes on. "I'm not the one who is hurting."

I drop the towel in front of her and she takes it and dabs at the corners of her eyes. After a few seconds of delicate rubbing, she omits an 'oh screw it, there's no saving this makeup,' and she runs the towel over her eyes a bit rougher.

When she's done with the towel, she lays it back down on the counter and pushes it towards me slightly. I pick it up, noticing the black smears all over it. Sheesh. For something that only goes on the eyes, mascara sure does go a long way.

I dispose of the towel in the small basket that I keep under the counter. I'm sure Cody will complain about how hard it is to get makeup out of towels, but he's the least of my worries right now. I decide to let London continue to sit there silently and calm down for a few more moments, and figure the least I can do at this point in time is make her something to drink since she doesn't seem ready to talk yet still. After her drink is done, I put a pink straw in it for her, since she refuses any other colored straw, and set it down in front of her.

She gazes up, and my head tilts down slightly to try and peek in a glance at her. When she notices my attempt, her head lifts up towards me, and she finally smiles. "Thanks." she wraps her hand around the glass and she pulls it closer to her.

It freaks me out when she thanks me for things. Last time she was feeling like this she thanked me too. I don't remember what it was for, but that word just doesn't sound right when it comes out of her mouth. Either way, I reply with a 'No worries,' before turning around to clean up the blender. I'm not making any more smoothies tonight.

I peek over my shoulder occasionally to see what she's doing, but most of the time she's only blankly staring down at the counter top.

When I'm finally done cleaning up the smoothie bar, I walk around the counter again and scoot into the stool beside her. She's been quiet now for over 20 minutes, but it's all right. The only plans I have tonight are lame, and I'll gladly cancel to be here with her. I reach over and pat her on the back a couple of times before I face forward and lean onto the counter myself. I can't help but watch her as she sits in quiet thought, probably asking herself all kinds of questions like, 'where did I go wrong?'

Thinking about the fact that she may feel guilty is only going to infuriate me again, and I lightly slap my hand on my forehead a couple times, because once again, I don't have any idea what has happened yet and I don't want to carry myself away with the possibilities of what it might be before I actually find out.

I steal a glance at London, hoping she didn't see me smacking myself, before looking over my shoulder at the deck again. At this point it's completely vacant. Everyone's gone to his or her cabins for the night, and it feels so good to be here alone with her, despite the fact that she's upset.

"Is everyone gone?" I hear her say, and my face whips back around to look at her.

"Yeah." I answer her, before shifting on my stool to sit up a little straighter.

She exhales deeply, before swiveling her stool slightly in my direction, but her gaze is still aimed towards the ground. "Johnny wanted to…" she stops herself immediately, the tears threatening her again as her chest heaves.

Before I know what I'm doing, my hands are holding hers again. I'm afraid of what she's going to say. Because unfortunately I'm afraid I'm going to be right again. I suddenly am feeling really guilty for having my suspicions of Johnny-Jerk-Wad. Because I should have just been happy for London. I should have hoped the best for her. I should have wanted things to work out between the two of them, simply because she wanted them to.

She takes another deep breath before speaking again, "He wanted to sleep together tonight."

It's getting hard for her again. I can tell because her hands have started to shake a little bit, and her breaths are shallow and short. She wants to cry some more, but she's putting up a good fight this time.

"I didn't want to." London says, her voice cracking a little. "Because something about it just didn't seem right." She pulls one of her hands away from me so that she can wipe underneath her eyes to stop the tear from dripping down her cheek. "But when I told him no, he thought I was joking."

I almost feel panicked at her last statement. He thought she was joking and then what? Did he get what he wanted from her anyway because he thought she was _joking_? I feel my heart start to race.

"So when he put his hands on me, and I pushed him away, he got upset." She finishes, her hands shaking more uncontrollably at this point.

I give a gentle squeeze to the hand I still have in my possession, before covering it with my other one. I'm having a hard time controlling my temper right now because part of me wants to start screaming and cursing myself for not warning her about this douche. But I thought I'd done the right thing by not saying anything to her about it.

"Before I know it he's walking away from me." London finishes, and the floodgates come open again.

"Come here." I say to her, pulling her into my arms again for the second time that night.

**X**

The fourth time she comes to me, I'm actually not at work, but in my cabin. I have the day off and I'm actually trying to spray paint my converse a different color so they'll look new again.

It's been over a week since Johnny broke up with London and she's been doing a little better, so when I answer the door, and see the solemn look on her face I'm confused a bit, because she looks vulnerable again.

I invite her inside and she walks in and takes a seat on my bed. When I sit beside her she wastes no time in starting the conversation.

"Johnny texted me today." She says, her eyes gazing into mine eagerly, "He wants to talk to me about the breakup."

I really don't know how to respond to this, other than to take a deep breath, because I can tell by the look on her face that she really wants to talk to him too. I'm about to say something, but after I glance down for a second, and then look at her again, I lose my train of thought. "You think he wants to get back together with you?" I find myself asking her. I can't really offer her any advice because it'd be a bit one sided. I just want her to be done with this asshole, but she clearly doesn't want to be. I can just tell.

"I don't know." She replies, shaking her head slightly and glancing down. Her eyes look exhausted and I can tell she's been in deep thought about this for a while now.

I feel my fists clenching, so I stand up and wring them together nervously. I begin to pace very slightly, my head tilting from the ceiling to her, to the floor, back to her again. "Well if he asks you, what will you say?"

"I don't know." She says again, glancing up at me.

"I see." I respond, as I turn away from her and grab one of my converse from the desk where I have been spray painting them.

I can't deal with this Johnny character for too much longer. And if London gets back together with him, I don't know if I'm going to be able to deal with her anymore either. The thought of losing her makes me feel ill, but after he hurt her so bad, for her to accept an invitation to be his girlfriend again would be ridiculous. And I can't take it.

"What should I do?" she asks, and I freeze what I'm doing because I can feel her expectant gaze on my back.

I've got to pull myself together here, because like always, I'm jumping to conclusions, and thinking of only the negative things, when who really knows why Johnny-Go-Jumpy wants to talk to her again. I put my converse back down and turn around to her. I walk over, and when I'm standing in front of her I kneel down. "I think…" I trail off, and my head turns to the side because I want to actually give her good advice and not let my own emotions get in the way. When I look at her again, I smile, "Would it make you feel better to talk to him?"

It's not a surprise to me that she responds with a, "It kind of would." Girls need closure, or solutions, or remedies. It comforts them. And if talking to him will make her feel better, even though I can't stand the thought of her getting back on a speaking basis with that animal, then who am I to object? After all, this is between her and him.

"Then you should do it." I say, and I really honestly mean it, even though I'm feeling myself fall to pieces inside about it.

"Do you think…" she begins, and my eyes completely focus on hers, "He will take me back?"

I sigh and glance down again. But I'm tired of this inner battle. I'm tired of thinking so much about it. I'm going to have to just let go. I glance back up and smile again, "He'd be stupid not to."

At least she's smiling now. As long as she's happy, that's what matters. She throws herself into my arms, and I almost tumble backwards with her, but am able to sustain the both of us, considering she doesn't weigh much.

She leaves her arms around me for a moment, before she breaks out of my grasp and bounds towards the door. I stand, and can't help but be happy to see some bounce in her step again. I'm not making eye contact with her, but when I do, and I see her waving her frantic hand at me, I say 'Good luck,' even though I'm not sure I mean it.

Then she's gone again.

I emit another 'yay fucking me', and instead of finishing the spray painting of my converse, I end up throwing them out the porthole.

**X**

"What should I do then?" I boom towards my brother, whose sitting in the desk chair watching me pace irritably. "I can't keep doing this to myself, I want to kill something!"

"Well first of all," Cody says, as he stands up, and walks over to place his hand on my shoulder. "You should calm down, because when you're this upset you make it worse."

I glare at him, panting, wheezing, and trying to catch my breath because I'm so angry again. At myself, the situation, life in general. I'm just angry. I don't want to go back to watching movies every night. I don't want to go back to having to watch J-fucking-ohnny and London holding hands and drinking smoothies out of the same straw. And now I've just confessed everything to my OCD brother, who looked more than shocked when I spilled my feelings about London, and I really don't want a lecture right now, I just want him to tell me how to fix all of this.

"Second of all," he continues, shaking his head slightly and giving me a questioning glance, "Why haven't you told her how you feel? It's a wonder you haven't had a mental breakdown."

"Are you crazy? I can't tell her how I feel, it will ruin everything!" I bark, throwing my hands up in the air as I walk away from him.

"Uh, and what exactly will it ruin?" Cody asks from behind me, "The only thing it's ruined so far is your sanity."

I halt my ranting for a moment, because he's got a good point there. I take a few deep breaths and fold my arms over my chest, "I can't tell London I feel that way about her. It'd probably freak her out."

"London freaks out if her nail polish doesn't shine a certain way in the sunlight." Cody responds sarcastically. But he's right again.

I feel him coming upon me again, and within seconds he's standing in front of me, "At least if you tell her, you won't have all of this pent up. It's not healthy." He pauses and places his hand on my shoulder again, "And if she doesn't understand, then she doesn't," he let's his hand fall off my shoulder and shrugs, "But at least she'll know."

I glare at him blankly, annoyed. I expected him to take this a lot differently. I expected him to ask a bunch of questions, and force me to boggle my mind about why and how I could have feelings for London. But he hadn't. He was just standing here making sense. I hated when that happened. "Well." I huffed towards him, "It doesn't matter anyway because she ran back to _Johnny_."

Cody rolls his eyes, "It's only been four hours since she left here."

"Four hours too long." I mumbled, before walking over and sitting down on the end of my bed.

"Look." My brother sighs, and he stays where he's standing. I have a feeling he's tired of chasing me around the room. "Even if she gets back with Johnny," he pauses when I glance up at him. His expression softens because I know he understands how hard this has been for me, "You should still tell her." He walks to the door to leave because I've pulled him away from work on his break to have this meltdown, and I know he's got to get back up there. He turns to me once more before he leaves, "At least do your self that one favor."

**X**

The fifth time she comes to me, it's the next evening and I'm back at work. I actually don't want anything to do with her right now, because I spent all night waiting for her to come back and let me know how things went. I also spent hours trying to figure out how to tell her about my feelings. She'd never come back.

She slides onto her usual stool, and waits for me to come over and say hi to her. But I'm going to avoid her for as long as I have to. I take care of two other customers, and after they're done with their smoothies, I dispose of their cups and start cleaning off the counter top. I haven't looked at her once, but she hasn't moved. She's just sitting there watching me.

I find a couple of other miscellaneous things to do, but after seventeen minutes exactly she's still just sitting there, and I can't control my frustration anymore.

"What do you want London?" I say gruffly, still not looking at her, still finding random things to wipe down.

"A smoothie." She replies from behind me, and I halt my actions and stand up straighter. I sigh, and turn to glare at her for a moment.

She holds a $5 bill up, and I decide not to say anything more.

When I'm done making her smoothie, I sit it down a little more roughly than I actually want to in front of her, and snatch the five dollars out from under her hand. As soon as I turn to take a step away from her, I hear her say, "A blue straw?"

I huff, my shoulders slumping slightly, and if she doesn't leave me alone, I just know I'm going to take my temper out on her. "We're out of pink." I say sternly. "Deal with it." I continue walking towards the back counter, and shove the five into the tip jar.

I turn around, and lean back, my hands at my sides, both gripping the counter, and I avoid looking at her, but I see Cody at the towel station on the other side of the hot tub, and his gaze meets mine.

He puts his hands in the air, wondering clearly if I've 'told' her yet, and I mimic his arm gesture in return. Next, he points towards her, and I know from the exchange that I need to seize the opportunity and just do it. She's without the jackal right now, and I don't want to miss my chance to tell her how I feel whenever he comes to collect her from my counter, even though I wish he would do it soon. I fold my arms over my chest and gaze towards the towel station once again. Cody isn't there, he's standing a little ways from it and he's talking to a young couple. I watch them point towards the smoothie bar, but he shakes his head, and I know he's making up some excuse to keep them away so that I can have this moment.

I glance towards London, whose attention is focused on her smoothie. She's drinking out of the blue straw, but doesn't seem to be caring for it too well, considering she's glaring at it.

"You know, I waited up for you last night." I say to her, as I step slowly towards the end where she's seated, but I can't bring myself to meet her eyes yet. "I wanted to know how things went."

She looks up, directing her attention towards me and gives a slight shrug. "They went fine. Feels good to have gotten things worked out."

I'm feeling the burn now.

"And he apologized, so…" she adds, before taking another drink.

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I can't control this. I storm over to the counter and slam my hands down onto it, pushing her smoothie off the side. It crashes to the floor, but I'm not worried about it. I want her full attention for this. "He apologized, so that makes it okay doesn't it?" I say, and I finally capture her eyes, which look almost scared. I can't stand to see that she might possibly be scared of me at the moment so I turn away from her again. I won't back down, but I don't want to see the fear. "So you just…" I pause as my anger starts my adrenaline controlled breaths, "You just run right back to him don't you?" I fling my arm out to the side.

I can picture in my mind what her face looks like right now. Terrified maybe. Confused probably. Wondering what the hell has gotten into me all of a sudden to cause me to act this way towards her, because truthfully she hasn't done anything wrong. I take another deep breath. She needs to be able to look me in the eyes when I say this. No more of this cowardly act. I spin back around to face her, and she is exactly how I thought. "Well I have to tell you London. I knew he was bad news from day one." I watch her tilt her head to the side barely, but I can't stop at this. I have to force myself to keep going. "And I didn't say anything because I thought I'd be a bad friend if I didn't sit back and hope that you could just be happy with him."

Her eyes gaze down, but not for long. She presses her hands together and locks her fingers, but remains silent because she knows I'm not done.

"But I've been miserable since the day he came to this stupid sea school, because I had to watch him take you away from me." I pause for a second and glance down, feeling furious still but slightly short of breath. "Even though I knew, _I knew,_ his intentions from the start, and so that part is my fault." I point to myself because even though her eyes aren't directly on me, I know she's looking out of the corner of her eye.

"But I thought you were a better friend, because even though I didn't speak up about him, you didn't speak up about me." I bark, and her eyes lift to mine as I step closer to her, "I may as well have not even _existed _at all after you decided to be his girlfriend, because it would have been better than standing here watching you sit in that very spot and not even say hi."

It's weird because I'm starting to feel a little less heavy, and I realize now what Cody meant when he told me to do myself a favor and let London know these things. I almost feel a release coming, but I haven't reached it yet.

I almost don't want to continue when I see how sad she looks. Damn it, every second I waste in silence, I feel like I'm losing momentum, but I'm not done yet and I know I'm not because I feel frustration flooding back to me. I gaze over towards Cody in a panic, and he's back at the towel station, pretending to fold towels, but I know he's watching. I throw my hands up in the air, and in return he puts one arm up and spins it. He knows I couldn't have possibly said all I need to say already.

I sigh, "I have a confession to make." I start, and here comes the hard part, but I bear down and give myself the mental push to just say it, "I like you." She glances up at me, but I already know she wonders what I meant like that, and now that the initial hard part is over, the next sentence comes a little easier, "More than a friend."

She does look freaked out. But I have to remind myself that I expected this much. "And it's my fault too that I didn't tell you, but it needed to be said now, and I need you to know that watching you date this jerk-off has been torture for me. I can't think of the last time I've gone out on a date with anyone else because I've been trying to figure out my feelings for you."

I'm on the home stretch now. Just a little bit more on my mind. Something that might be hard for her to hear. I look her straight in the eyes. "I cannot believe that you got back together with him after what happened. But since you did…" I start, and swallow hard because this might be one of the hardest things I ever have to say in the history of hard things to say. "I can't be your friend anymore London."

I watch her eyes go wide, and they're getting red and watery. But I don't break the gaze. I feel strong enough to stay focused. "I'm sorry."

I turn away from her and take a deep breath, feeling slightly weak in the knees as I lean on the back counter for support. I did it. I can't believe I did it. My hands are shaking and I feel drained.

"Why are you apologizing to me?" I hear her say, and my breath catches in my throat again. "You're the one who is hurting."

I turn my eyes towards her, and even though she's on the verge of tears, she's maintaining herself pretty well. I can barely see her through my thick bangs, but I know she's looking directly at me. I can't find any words to say to her, and after I'd said what I'd said to her, I figured she'd have left already.

I turn around and lean with my back against the counter again. When my eyes meet hers I laugh slightly, because I've already used my mental strength on my spiel and I don't know for the life of me why she's still here. What more does she want from me? I glance towards the towel station, which Cody is already making his way towards us from. I muster up the energy to fold my arms across my chest and cross my leg over the top of my other one. I tilt my head towards her, "What? Are you waiting for Johnny to come get you or something?"

She shakes her head slightly and faces down before mumbling, "He's not coming."

I feel my head perk up and lift a little when she says this, but all I can manage is a very serious and very questioning, and almost surprising, "What?" in response.

"He's not coming." She says again, before she swivels to the side and stands from her stool. I watch her re-adjust her purse on her arm, and hold up a hand towards Cody, motioning for him to halt his pursuit to the smoothie bar.

He freezes a few feet away. He still far enough that it feels private between London and I, but he's within reasonable earshot.

London gazes up towards me, and flips her hair back behind her shoulder, "I didn't get back together with him."

My arms fall out of their folded position and dangle at my sides. She continues to stare at me, reading the confusion on my face.

"Because when I was with him, I missed you." She explains, and she can't help it anymore. A tear falls down her face.

Now the tables are turned again, and I feel like the bad guy. I'm feeling like I reamed her for nothing.

"I didn't want to lose you again, so I said no when he asked." London tells, and she reaches her hand up to wipe off the tear, "But it looks like that happened anyway, so…" she can't say anymore. She seems to be reflecting the hurt that I was feeling last night. I watch her turn from me and walk away.

I can't do anything at this point but stand here. I feel frozen in shock and slightly delirious from this train wreck of an evening.

"What are you doing?" Cody snaps at me, as he walks up to the counter and slaps it, before flinging his arm in the direction London had just walked off in.

He doesn't need to say anymore, because at that moment my legs develop a mind of their own, and I'm running, chasing after her, thinking of nothing besides wrapping my arms around her and never letting her go.

But what have I done? When I find her, will she be so willing as to forget all those stupid things I said?

I head her off right at the girl's corridor, and we both lean against the wall to catch our breath. Seems as if she has been running as well. She glances towards me, but says nothing, and before I know it she's walking away from me again.

"London, wait." I say, as I dart around in front of her to stop her from going any further.

She stops but she doesn't appear to be handling herself too well. Her face has gotten redder, her eyes puffier, and her makeup has started to run again, just like the night 'jackass Johnny' broke things off with her.

"If I say that I might have said something I didn't mean tonight, would you believe me?" I ask her, before leaning over with my hands on my knees. I'm still out of breath. If I never have to repeat a night like this for the rest of my existence, I think I'll be able to die a happy man.

"I get it Zack. Just please stop this!" she exclaims, still very hysterical, and I don't think I can blame her, "I'm sorry you got hurt, but I'm tired!"

She makes a move to walk again, but before she can get around me I wrap my strong arms around her tiny body and hang on for dear life. "London, please." I say, and I'm surprised she hasn't started beating me with her purse yet. She's done that to me before for lesser-deserved reasons. But she needs to listen to me. And I'm not going to let her go until she hears me out again. "Look I'm the one who is sorry! I was upset, and thought I had the right to be, but I didn't mean all of that."

"Alright, point taken. I understand." She replies immediately, as if she just wants to get this over with and be done for good. "The whole 'I have feelings for you thing'. Consider it forgotten. Now, LET, ME, GO!" she struggles against me and I actually allow her to break out of my hug, but I reach out now and take her arm.

"London. That part was true." I say, suddenly feeling boldness, and I keep her turned to face me because I don't want her to walk away still. "I do have feelings for you."

"But I made a mistake when I told you I couldn't be your friend anymore." I tell her, and I can see by the look on her face that she believes me, because she glances down, my words are registering in her mind.

When she finally looks back up at me, I'm still looking at her, and our eyes lock. And I feel this relief flooding through my body because I know that things are going to have their chance to be mended. It may take a few days, but I'm willing to do the work. When I see her gaze soften, and a small smile form on her face, I know that we're on the same page.

So it's in that moment that I let go of her arm, and we stand in silence, just looking at each other, until she finally takes the initiative and turns away from me. This time when she walks away, I let her go, because the look that she's giving me over her shoulder is my confirmation that we'll talk again.

'Yay fucking me!' I think, but this time, not in a sarcastic way.

After she's gone, I decide I need to get back to the smoothie counter fast, because I'd kind of left Cody there to deal with it. He's probably like a fish out of water right about now.

**X**

This time when she comes to me, I have a smoothie already made and waiting for her. When I sit it down on the counter, in front of her usual spot, and add the pink straw for the finishing touch, I feel excited because I can't wait to see her. It's been six days since our dreaded blowout, and we haven't talked yet, but today's the day.

I can't seem to stop smiling, but I think that might be an okay thing.

When I glance up, and see her walking towards me, her beautiful face is beaming with a smile of its own. There's no puffiness in her eyes. Her face isn't red. Her makeup isn't running. There's no little black dress, but that's okay, because she never wears the same outfit twice. I know that if I keep staring, I'll be lost in her. The way I always am.

She looks absolutely radiant.

I glance down for a moment, and then look back up. I feel my smile grow wider, because I can't help but notice just how perfectly her nail polish is shining in the sunlight.

* * *

**AN : And that's a wrap! Thank you all for reading! :)**


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